“Shaolin. Things are complicated. Helena’s got it bad for a straight but gay looking documentary director.”
“Sounds promising though, or no?”
“Well since she just promised her and her boy friend filmmaker partner,” I emphasize, “a $100,000 I think it is a bit unethical, don’t you?”
“Helena’s great, but she truly missed out on a few of the building blocks of relationships, didn’t she?” Alice hands me the lotion to do Dana’s other arm. I smell Wales again and it makes me sadder, as I touch arms wasting away.
“I mean did you ever feel bought when she focused in on you?” Alice asked.
“In the end yes, she was trying,” but by then, I’d decided it was over for other reasons, too.” But bought by Bette? I wonder about.
As I had told Joyce, over and over again to her astonishment, until very recently, and the split up over Candace began it, I had never thought much about money. I made it. Bette had made more. If I had wanted to buy something really expensive, of course, we talked about it. Bought though? How crass. No, we didn’t have a money thing, or a sharing about anything material.
I didn’t give her very much trouble about it. I was perfectly capable of amusing myself, but I did find her self absorption annoying at times. Really rather unbelievable, if I tell the truth. But narcissism and money, now that I have a good job again, are feeling less and less like the issues that broke us apart. What is left is my unwillingness with Bette, to try again.
Maybe I am a fucking coward? I know Bette thinks I am. But for now, I only want to feel safe, no roller coasters, no drama, just the white noise of life, and a break from her emotions and mine.
It seems so ridiculous now. In three hours I know I will hold her, and we will cry together about Dana. We’ll talk about our child together, and around me as we worry about our friends and discuss our family, will be the walls and objects and doors and bedrooms of the place I still partially feel is home.