Not Another Word
Meditation Room – Silent Retreat – Bette
There’s a drop of water that I’m visualizing at the very tip of a finger. The droplet grows larger and fuller and I wait and wait and concentrate on it until it’s full and it does as its name implies.
Now again, there is a drop of water at the end of a finger, and the finger is slender, and the nails are clipped. There is nothing fussy about this fingertip that holds the water for a moment more. A fingertip familiar to me that traces itself against my lips, explores me first before a kiss. A touch that drove me over the fucking edge. God save me! The sweet touch of my lover, who is now fucking gone.
Dammit! There is a droplet of water that is clear, and reflected on it’s surface is the singularity of the world around me. I watch in my mind’s eye as the droplet grow larger and larger on the tip of a finger. The fingertip holds it. The touch of skin its last anchor before it falls into oblivion.
And I have to do this for two more fucking hours?
I adjust myself on my meditation cushion. I’m going to switch to the singularity of the candle flame. Much easier, Tina doesn’t hold fire at her fingertips. I sigh, but she does.
I have a terrible feeling. I have an enormous fear. I am that enormous fear that she has left me forever. I am that. I am that thought now. I am that alone. I am alone. I’m not silence, I am chaos. I am. I am. I am so fucking miserable.
I am going to pieces by this lake in this meditation session on this cushion with these kind and well-meaning people, who came to quiet their minds, because it’s become way, way, too much at home.
This is Hell. This is the hell of too much. I Am That.
I can see people’s hell on their faces. People think that because I’m self-absorbed I don’t notice other people or pay attention to them carefully. They are wrong. I admit to certain spells of blindness. I admit to being ‘in my own world’. I admit to being the biggest fucking asshole in the universe, when I was the last person – with eyesight – in LA County, who did not see that Tina was pregnant.
Why is this fucking droplet so hard to concentrate on? Because it’s boring as shit, that’s why.